Author Archives: Tom O. Williams

Basket Case

It is common knowledge to anyone that has ever known me that I suffer from an emotional disorder. One look at my apartment is very revealing of this fact. It would incriminate me in any public forum that attempts to prove my purpose-filled condition for those seeking to run an artistic cat from his litter box.

Most of my time is spent sitting at my computer. When working on it, I am usually imagining that I’m smoking, while wondering if my smartphone is within reach for my next frequent notification from a health care provider.

When not on my computer, I often look for my guitar pick case. It’s a woven basket that can usually be found resting on a bookshelf. Worry about the case’s location creates the perpetual stress necessary for me to keep developing new ideas for sensible songs that can be released from the cramped studio in my apartment.

I’ve decided that what this cat needs for survival is to keep finding my basket case in a song while waiting on another health care appointment in my litter box.

Minnesota Nice

I am not a drunk. I diagnosed myself recently. In the life of every person trying to survive the battle, we all probably take inventory from time to time to see if we like what we see of ourselves.

I have been struggling with an identity problem all my life. I believe it may stem from the fact that since my childhood I have been enamored with the opposite sex because they have no penis. To deal with my anxiety for this condition, I modeled my behavior to be like that of a hell raiser and decided to start drinking at the age of two.

After suffering two serious concussions prior to my 8th birthday, my penchant for drinking manifested itself in my actions at the four elementary beehives that I attended as a youth. It was there that I learned how nice children could be when they were all fasting without dope to eat.

The rest of my story is a blur of miscalculated confusion. Now, I am at the tipping point of deciding whether to try and stay alive for a few extra months by getting my stage 4 colon cancer treated with a 7th operation. Thus being a – Minnesota nice – guy which will allow my medical team and cancer center to pay off some of the bills they have accumulated during the Covid-19 debacle.

Please call my daughter, Anne, at Erik’s Ranch and Retreat here in Minneapolis with any suggestions you may have for what I should do to stop being abused.

 

*Cross your t’s and dot your i’s appropriately and life will become your pearl bearing oyster. You will find success beyond your imagination as an anal retentive that impresses everyone with a PERFECT approach to living.

Circumstance

I like to take heart in the fact that after 66 years I have finally reached maturity. It was difficult being an infant my first 21 years, while many my age at that time had the mental and physical maturity of a turtle. After joining forces with several kindergarteners while I was in college at the University of Alabama, I realized that my maturation would take much longer than the typical armadillos that roamed the campus.

It took wagon train women to get me where I am today. Ready to settle into a little house on the prairie where I must Know-it-all. I’m looking forward to awaking tomorrow, eager to learn something new.

Stock Up

Why are we all being put on hold? Probably because we’ll have to wait for virus truck deliveries to arrive for those of us in for bad luck. Only in the aftermath of a commotion brought on by money changers should we realize that every possible combination of survival is being calculated offshore in Russia by one of NASA’s mainframe computers.

The market started going berserk in 2008 when the swine flu pandemic occurred. Now we are all in a panic over the coronavirus. What was started in Wuhan, China is probably a much less potent strain. This time there was a radioactive suitcase bomb set off with the help of the US. It weakened everyone’s immune system and gave them the common cold. That gave the Pope ample opportunity to attack the world.

Be sure to stock up on toilet paper. I’m sure the shower stall drain will start backing up soon.

Go Cart

Have you ever tried to apply reverse psychology to acquire clients in your chosen sales profession? I have. In 1979 when I entered the insurance business to earn my CLU designation and make a lifelong career at being a life insurance agent, I had my chance to apply those reverse principles that I had learned in college.

Knowing that money, in a commission only business, and prospecting would be my biggest problems, I decided to be conservative with finances. I traded for a 1966 gas saving, straight shift mustang and got my grandfather to help get it into good condition with a little mechanic work. Old mustangs were also thought to be a good sporty investment at the time.

Things went according to plan over the next few years except the necessary sales needed to buy a starter home and get my new family going on the right track.

It took years before I realized how major the “mustang decision” was in preventing success in what ended up being a 17-year multi-city stint as an insurance agent.

I was told over a cup of coffee one morning, by an old friend from my early days in the business, that my lack of success in town was likely due to a rumor getting around. People had said I had to go through the court system for fraudulent statements on all my credit applications, filed bankruptcy, and was driving the 13-year-old beater around town out of necessity. It then dawned on me that my career startup plan had backfired. Rather than being viewed as the honest, conservative, trustworthy insurance agent, most believed me to be a loser.

I think I’ll buy a cart and put it before the horse the next time that I have a chance to get a fresh start in the life insurance business.

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